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This is me... be kind or just fuck off!  There have been so many shitty days lately that they are all starting to run together but today I realized that I really have no clue what I want from life anymore. I want my career but I want a home with a sense of security too. I know that if I go it will be difficult but so many parts of me want to. Sometimes I think that is selfish but I suppose I have been so selfish for the last few years that I am getting used to behaving in that manner. I brought myself to this world I live in and I enjoy it but is it really what I want long term? For the time it is nice but what is it that we really need- what would really be best? I suppose that all depends on what you think I am talking about as to what your response would be. My heart hurts today... not because it is valentines bit because I have choices to make- choices that will effect us for the rest of our lives. but i must make them. I must decide. Damn, I need help!...... On a lighter note, I FOUND MY PIPE! I am so happy! I can't believe it just showed up in the bottom of my closet. Strange but true. I think everyone got sick of me bitching about it because I know it wasn't just laying there for all this time and I never saw it. Needless to say, it is back and I am gonna use it! I think the occasional use of it is good for me. It makes me smile. Does anyone give a royal fuck? Me either... Current mood:  blah.
Why the fuck can't I get on the AIM?? the shit won't open from anywhere! Is it really okay at some point to decide that you don't wanna play the game anymore? I was thinking last night (dangerous, I know) that I would really just like to be ok again- may sound silly to some but at least I was content and for the most part oblivious to the worlds problems. I had money, I had love, and I had my friends. I still have some of that but it is so different- there is a happiness factor that is still missing- I am not sure where it has gone- Well, yes, I know.... Just way too stubborn to admit that I realize... Maybe not too stubborn to say I realize- Maybe just too stubborn to give in to him again. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes what it is that it will take. Yes, I know he cares- he doesn't have to tell me- He knows the little things that will get to me... So he does them, really he always has. Since the very first day. urghh... I need a roommate.. and a glass of wine. or maybe I just need some crack... it seems to work for everyone else. Speaking of which- I think someone walked off with my glass pipe!! These idiot friends of mine~! Sad thing is... I loved that pipe! It was so cute and it was cheap! And basically because everyone knows I can't roll worth a fuck. My "I love LA" king size lighter is still in there but the pipe is gone. It really just pisses me off- Urghh... next subject- I am considering coming to CLKV tonight. There are two different parties that I have been told to come to but for some reason I am just not in the mood- One is for Rhett- Lord knows I will regret not going to that one if I don't since he leaves for ATL tomorrow. Damn, I am gonna miss that boy!!! He has been such a good friend through all this shit but I know that him leaving is the best thing for him and his career. You know, if all this shit doesn't work out I may just take him up on his offer and go too. ATL really isn't that bad-- no beach but not that bad. And well, Rhett is hot so I can just sit and look at him if it gets too bad. hehe... that kind of sounds like what I have been doing the last 4 monthes... Oh goodness, I think I have wrote the entry from journal hell!! I guess I just have a lot to say and no mysterious AIM friends popping up- Anyways, I need a vacation- anyone got any idea's?? Current mood: bored.Current music: EZ rollers. Sometimes you have to say it: Fuck them all. Yes Fuck them all--- the artsy posers, the office blowhards and brown-nosers; Fuck the type who gets the job done and the type who stands on principle; the down-to-earth and understated; the overhyped and underrated; Project director? Get a bullshit detector. Client's mum? Up your bum. You can't be nice to everyone. When your back is to the wall When they don't return your call When you're sick of saving face When you're screwed in any case Fuck culture scanners, contest winners, subtle thinkers and the hacks who offend them; people who give catered dinners and the sheep who attend them-- which is to say fuck yourself and the person you were; polite and mature, a trooper for good. The beauty is they'll soon forget you and if they don't the probably should. by Deborah Garrison (with much approval from me.) Current mood:  amused.
Well, I have came to the conclusion that life truly is what I make of it. In every sense of the words... It seems like the last couple years I have just been sailing through it. No real motives or accomplishments to speak of. So I decided today to reevaluate things. I am taking a new perspective on certain subjects- I suppose it wasn't a decision that was just made today- it has been in the works for several months. I guess it began when things started going well... not so good with him- I decided to see other people. Which so far hasn't really been that bad. BUT I am not going to limit myself in anyway. I have been so much about seeing someone that I have fun at the moment with. Am at a point where I have decided that if your outlook on life and goals don't match what I want from my own life that frankly, your not worth my time. Does that sound selfish? I have been told I am selfish- so who gives a fuck? Not me! :) A friend of mine (yeah, that Happy Birthday, Bitch was for you crackhead!) told me not too long ago that I have to look out for myself- well I am a slow learner (or you don't know how to school one very well) Anyways, from this point on it is "all about me!" numero uno! So that's all I have to say tonight. It is getting late and I gotta be at work early in the morning. Current mood:  optimistic.
There comes a point when being blocked from the AIM becomes hilarious as hell. Even though my head hurts like a bitch, I laughed an evil laugh. What the fuck is wrong with me? :) Current mood:  satisfied.
I woke up early this morning around 4am With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along But that's OK There's nothing left to say, but Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been So Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me Someday I'm gonna run across your mind Don't worry, I'll be fine I'm gonna be alright While you're sleeping with your pride Wishing I could hold you tight I'll be over you And on with my life So take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me So take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and all your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we got nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah And you're gonna think of me Oh someday baby, someday ** I heard this song and it made me smile. I liked it. I guess because I know- Well, I returned home after midnight last night from the airport. It totally sucked ass! It was snowing when I got back here and I had to drive the hour from the airport in it - I friggin hate snow! Anyways, the trip was great- I spent too much time drinking, laughing, and dancing but I had a blast. A few highlights I could mention- the lady with her underware hanging outta her pants leg, not being able to locate the elevator button, the God awful karaoke we heard (just a reason to drink more), walking through the city (damn I love major cities), and last but not least the record store!! I think I need more sleep. I took today off and am trying to figure out why I came back home before the weekend- dumbass I guess?? So maybe I will talk to you later, if not have a good weekend. Current mood:  tired.Current music: My "Earth" CD. Well.... here I am- it'll kind of sucks to be alone today but whatever... I am going to drag myself out to mass in a bit. Not really how I had envisioned spending any Christmas but I suppose it could be worse.. at least I have a roof over my head and two bottles of wine. The idiot bought me some candles. The guy bought me a bracelet, some perfume (my favorite kind), a sweater, and some other stuff. All stuff that I liked. That seems so weird, usually guys pick the dumbest things. Anyways, Merry Christmas you guys. Current mood:  disappointed.Current music: reggae Christmas crap. Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you buy me a drink now??? :) I think I may need to fly out this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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